the answers you pray for

sometimes God has a sense of humor that we can't understand. sometimes we pray for things, believing that we are about to get an immediate answer or the answer that we want, which is typically always yes.

9 times out of 10, we are asking for ourselves instead of those around us. we care more about ourselves and what we want instead of what God wants for us. i know that i am more than guilty of this.

but then something happens and reality slaps you in the face. a loved one is diagnosed with cancer. a close friend dies in a car accident. some greater tragedy comes barreling in like train and we go running to God begging for healing, for peace, or for a miracle just one more time. we pray for answers instead of praying for God's will. we pray for what we want instead of what God wants for us. as much as it hurts, sometimes God's greater purpose is for our lives to having meaning because of Him. our lives are meant to be testaments of His truth not ours.

when I was 10, my aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. it  had already spread to her spine. the doctors gave her 6 months. she didn't care. she tried every treatment, every drug, everything the doctors said to because she had faith that God would provide for her exactly as He wanted. after 2 years of treatments, she went into remission. we prayed when she was diagnosed and we prayed on that day too. we thanked God for healing and for peace.

then less than 6 months later, we heard the C word again. tumors had begun to regrow and were more aggressive than before. we all prayed. we prayed for healing. we prayed for a miracle. she had surgery after surgery but at last her body had had too much. she just couldn't fight anymore. when hospice was called in, she didn't know her family. she slept most of the day and when she was awake, she was in constant pain. it is the hardest thing in life to watch someone who was once so strong slowly waste away.

on May 15, 2005, God called my aunt home. i was mad. i was angry. i cried. i threw things. i screamed that it wasn't fair and that God had to give her back. but as we all know, God doesn't work that way.

since then, i have learned a valuable lesson: pray all the time, not just when bad things happen. pray when you're happy, pray when you're sad. pray when things are going good. pray when things are going bad. prayer is not about the answers that God gives to us. He already knows our prayers. the words that we pray are more for our souls than His. it's conversation between a parent and a child who will never say i do told you so.

turning over a new leaf

it's so funny how much has changed in the last year. 

this time last year i was drowning in a new job, miserable in the relationship i was in, and searching for a way to get out of my parents' house. this year i am content with my job and love what i do most days. i am happy in the relationship i am in and can't imagine my life without her. i am actually get ready to move into a new house with my girlfriend. i am probably the happiest i have been in years. 

it's funny how things change when you except yourself for who you are. when you look beyond your own faults and know that you are who are you. you choose to love yourself regardless of how the world tells you that you should feel about yourself. i actually love myself. do i still have bad days where i want to stay in bed or i feel like if i eat a single bite of food, i'm going to throw up. but i still make it every day. i get out of bed even when it's a struggle. i am proud of myself. 

sometimes i don't think that society as a whole understands what it's like to struggle with depression and an eating disorder. i don't think that they realize that it's a daily process to make yourself get out of bed. to take care of yourself when all you want to do is die. to make yourself eat because you know if you don't, you'll spiral back into a hole where you have to take medicine just to make you want to live.