life as i know it

my life today is so very different than it was five years ago.

five years ago, harli and i had only been dating for a few months. we hadn't adopted Izzi Grace. hell we weren't even technically living together yet. i hadn't come out to my parents or pretty much anything in my life. i still struggled greatly with my anxiety, depression, eating disorder, and ptsd. as happy as i was with the direction that my life was going, i still had so many things that i needed to work out in order to live a life that i thought was fulfilled.

the irony?

the irony is that five years later and the life that i had dreamed of back would never be able to give me the happiness and fulfillment that i have found today. the road to the place that i am at in my life has probably been the hardest thing that i have been through in my life. facing my demons, taking the responsibility for some of the things that i have done. accepting the person that i am, not the person that everyone expected me to be back then. putting in the work to get to know the person that i am and have always been, and being able to understand that the things that i have been through haven't made me weak, but instead have made me a stronger, more understanding person.

one of the hardest things that i have faced in the last five years, actually happen less than a year ago. i thought that i was broken. i thought that i was never going to get back the person that i once was. to be honest, there is still a part of me that is broken and probably always will be, but that's what happens when you lose a loved one. a piece of you breaks inside, and no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to put yourself back together the same way because now you're missing a puzzle of what made you the person you are.

my Mawmaw was and still is such an enormous part of who i am. she taught me so much about having strength and trusting in faith against all odds. i think i forgot about that for a while after she died because my heart was so broken that i forgot about God's plan and His mercy. my brain knew that she was suffering so in turn we were all suffering sitting by her bedside, watching this strong, independent woman waste away. but my heart? that's a completely different story. my heart was so angry that she was taken from me before i was ready. i didn't (and still don't some days) feel like i had enough time with her, but i got almost 30 years which is a lot more than a lot of people get with their grandparents. i guess death, no matter how many times you have to grieve for those you love, never gets any easier to deal with because death for the one dying is final. for those of us left behind, death is a constant heartbreak that memories make you relive on a regular basis.

through all the trials that i have survived over the last five years, i have learned that i am a much stronger person than i gave myself credit for. i used to think that i was weak because i feel so strongly and i often allow my emotions to rule my state of being, but those emotions don't make me weak. those emotions, the ones that i have had to learn how to control instead of allowing them to control are what makes me such a strong person. those emotions help to empathize with people because i have been through what they are going through or understand what it feels like to have a broken heart. i guess going through hell only to come out stronger on the other sides says a lot about a person. i could have given up, but i didn't. sure there were plenty of times when i wanted to because it was so hard and my heart did nothing but hurt, but i kept going. and now, today, i am thankful because i know that no matter what hard times my be in front of me, i am positive that i have the strength to get through it all.

the answers you pray for

sometimes God has a sense of humor that we can't understand. sometimes we pray for things, believing that we are about to get an immediate answer or the answer that we want, which is typically always yes.

9 times out of 10, we are asking for ourselves instead of those around us. we care more about ourselves and what we want instead of what God wants for us. i know that i am more than guilty of this.

but then something happens and reality slaps you in the face. a loved one is diagnosed with cancer. a close friend dies in a car accident. some greater tragedy comes barreling in like train and we go running to God begging for healing, for peace, or for a miracle just one more time. we pray for answers instead of praying for God's will. we pray for what we want instead of what God wants for us. as much as it hurts, sometimes God's greater purpose is for our lives to having meaning because of Him. our lives are meant to be testaments of His truth not ours.

when I was 10, my aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. it  had already spread to her spine. the doctors gave her 6 months. she didn't care. she tried every treatment, every drug, everything the doctors said to because she had faith that God would provide for her exactly as He wanted. after 2 years of treatments, she went into remission. we prayed when she was diagnosed and we prayed on that day too. we thanked God for healing and for peace.

then less than 6 months later, we heard the C word again. tumors had begun to regrow and were more aggressive than before. we all prayed. we prayed for healing. we prayed for a miracle. she had surgery after surgery but at last her body had had too much. she just couldn't fight anymore. when hospice was called in, she didn't know her family. she slept most of the day and when she was awake, she was in constant pain. it is the hardest thing in life to watch someone who was once so strong slowly waste away.

on May 15, 2005, God called my aunt home. i was mad. i was angry. i cried. i threw things. i screamed that it wasn't fair and that God had to give her back. but as we all know, God doesn't work that way.

since then, i have learned a valuable lesson: pray all the time, not just when bad things happen. pray when you're happy, pray when you're sad. pray when things are going good. pray when things are going bad. prayer is not about the answers that God gives to us. He already knows our prayers. the words that we pray are more for our souls than His. it's conversation between a parent and a child who will never say i do told you so.

turning over a new leaf

it's so funny how much has changed in the last year. 

this time last year i was drowning in a new job, miserable in the relationship i was in, and searching for a way to get out of my parents' house. this year i am content with my job and love what i do most days. i am happy in the relationship i am in and can't imagine my life without her. i am actually get ready to move into a new house with my girlfriend. i am probably the happiest i have been in years. 

it's funny how things change when you except yourself for who you are. when you look beyond your own faults and know that you are who are you. you choose to love yourself regardless of how the world tells you that you should feel about yourself. i actually love myself. do i still have bad days where i want to stay in bed or i feel like if i eat a single bite of food, i'm going to throw up. but i still make it every day. i get out of bed even when it's a struggle. i am proud of myself. 

sometimes i don't think that society as a whole understands what it's like to struggle with depression and an eating disorder. i don't think that they realize that it's a daily process to make yourself get out of bed. to take care of yourself when all you want to do is die. to make yourself eat because you know if you don't, you'll spiral back into a hole where you have to take medicine just to make you want to live.